Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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