dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
