smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
