I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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