he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize