I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
