i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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