White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
