I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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