My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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