If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
