I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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