i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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