You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
