It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
