Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
