I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
