I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
