I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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