3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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