We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
