My liver just broke up with me...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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