Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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