Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize