I'm gonna have a badass scar
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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