Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
