My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
