grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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