Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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