my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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