if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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