I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
