I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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