Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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