Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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