im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
