I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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