its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I love you. Go after that dick
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
