You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
