Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
