Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
