I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
