Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
