Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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