dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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