I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
