Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
