I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
