Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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