I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
