I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I cut my penus on the lid.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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