FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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