I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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