I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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