my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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