I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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