You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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